a useless creature

Help. I’m useless.

That’s true. I am totally useless here. I am a useless creature. Despite the fact that I have spent so much money in two days only as though I am the richest girl all over Melbourne, I am still a useless creature. A useless creature which happens to be always starved and eat everything offered (read: food). A useless creature which proudly admits she likes writing but in fact she has left her blog behind for a long, long time (just because someone said her writing is only for shit like blog not for a big competition that can bring a glory, a well-known name and money for you) and let herself play computer game all the time instead of finishing all tales she has started. And most of all, when this useless creature thought she has been pretty well through at her workplace, she is actually not. If she was once dealing with job seeking in the first place, she is now dealing with job performance.

Sorry, and one more thing: this useless creature becomes more useless since she is not doing ministry AT ALL, even in church. Meanwhile, four months ago her friends sang a song especially for her before leaving to Melbourne about ‘keep on doing ministry wherever she goes’ (sorry to disappoint you, friends…).

Now, I won’t hide. I want to be honest. I won’t be ashamed to confess how useless and parasite-like I am.

Two weeks ago my boss told me that I was no longer a slow dish-washer and asked me to do ‘kitchening’ in his second shops (he has two busy shops). He gave me two days training to observe what I should do in kitchen because I had to do all by myself in the following week. I was pretty confident when I came to the shop at the week – was ready to work in kitchen even during peak hours. And I didn’t do any significant mistake at that day. The second day, however, was worse – just because one component had to be replaced with another (too difficult to explain in here). The manager told me so. She said I was very good the day before and was very slow that day. What could I say? I did feel I was very bad that day. Then, at the following week, I was still put in the kitchen, I thought I did not do any big mistakes. So, is it a crime for me to ask my boss to work longer hours there? Then the boss told me that the manager in his second shop said I was still too slow to do anything except dish-washing, which has answered my request: he won’t allow me to work longer hours especially during peak hours. Nevertheless, I saw two new girls have quitted washing dishes after two weeks only and started to do something else except dish washing, like cashier, serving food, etc, while I, after two months working there, was still put at the back washing the dishes. Do you know what I feel? No, you do not because you were not me. Deep down in my heart I felt like A BIG FAT LOOSER.

On the other hand, I just feel it was so unfair, though. The first day I worked there, I had started to work, while the first day the new girl worked there, the boss only asked her to look around, observe what’s going on in the shops. He NEVER asked me to look around and observe first before start working.

Until now he only puts me in the morning shift with short working hours (3-4 hours a day). See? No wonder I feel like a useless creature. No wonder I feel like a parasite (the boss only kinds of help me working there, maybe he’s waiting for me to quit). No wonder I feel like a big fat looser.

Today I decide to look for another job. Perhaps it’s just better for both of us (me and my boss). I know my hubby is not too thrilled with this idea, but really, I just have to.

Besides, I just realize that after working in that place, I often come home and feel very tired to do everything, including writing and doing houseworks.

And, guys…, please pray for this useless creature. Please please please….

Sunday, 25 June 2006
10:36 pm

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