baby blues

During the first weeks we found out that we are having a baby next year, I had not got any affection at all. I fear. I was afraid. I was angry. I was somewhat sad. I felt mad. I was unhappy. It seemed the baby drove me crazy about anything. And something very evil often came up in my mind.

Most of all, I questioned God.

All of my friends congratulated me of my pregnancy. Only one wished me luck. My parents were happy. My mother in law was also happy. Everyone seems happy. Well…, everyone but me, it turned out. And when I told them about my feeling, they mainly said, you should be happy, many couples want kids but they can’t (and I replied in my mind: So why God does not give them any? Why me, who was still not ready to have a baby?); if you don’t feel now is the right time to have a baby, remember that God knows better than you do (and I sarcastically replied in my mind: yeah, we always run to it, if something bad happens, we always comfort ourselves about it: God knows better than we do, and I have no idea whether it’s only a comfort or something truthful); come on, if God gives you a baby now, He knows that you can do it, you’ll be ready for it (and I did not want to reply it anymore since I thought everything I said would be of no use).

For one time in my life, I felt nobody supported me. Nobody would share the fear I had. Blamed I was to be if I did feel that way about my baby, that it was a very, very big mistake if I kind of disliked the existence of the baby inside me.

After all, I could not stand of what I was feeling. I just could not keep it for myself, yet I had no idea whom I could share with. Then I remembered someone and I thought she probably could be the right person to talk with. I told her everything, about my feeling, about my disaffection toward the baby, everything that had driven me mad for few days. And I simply hoped that she would not say I was crazy and what I felt was totally out of mind.

She did not blame me at all. She did not say that I was crazy to have those evil feelings in my mind. She did not say that what I did was totally out of mind. No. She just said that once in her past, she felt the similar thing and it was only natural. It was only natural for a newly pregnant woman to think that she does not feel ready and prepared – to feel somewhat blue. And the result was simple. Baby blues. It is a psychology term that explains of a newly pregnant woman’s blue feeling.

Somehow, the fact that my bad feelings were not totally wrong and were natural made me comforted. I was not the very first wife in the world to feel that way. Millions wives in the world got baby blues.

Slowly but sure, I began to accept this baby. I become more excited to expect this baby. I become more careful to look after this baby. Well, yes, it does not become happily ever after. Sometimes I still feel afraid and worried about everything. I am still worried about a house we have planned to procure. I simply don’t want to stay in my mother-in-law’s house forever nor for long time. I don’t want to be dependent. Yet, still, I guess things are not as bad as I thought. I still believe in miracle. Who knows the existence of the baby bring us a new home sooner than we expect? Who knows?

Saturday, 5 August 2006
10:05 am

ps: You know what, God also will not let me unprepared for the coming baby. I have got a lot of parenting lessons this week. He uses everything to give me the lessons. And let me tell you something, it IS TRUE that if something unexpected comes before you, God thinks you will be ready in time because He knows much, much better than you do about the future. He’s already there.

2 komentar ajah:

Ferlin said...

Hi Jessie,

this post is a nice one.
I also strongly believe that HE knows much better than we do *I have no idea that I'd get such a great gift this soon also*

tar deh kalo mulai ngerasain babynya dance di dalem, seneng banget rasanya :)

oh ya, salam kenal ya :)

~ jessie ~ said...

Alo, Ferlin... salam kenal juga ;D.
Thanks banget udah baca blog saya. Udah mulai kerasa nih gerak baby-nya. Unexplainable deh rasanya. Lucu... ada yang lagi hidup dan tumbuh di dalam tubuh. Hehehe.