my problems vs my Creator

These last weeks seemed unfriendly with me. It was like you were stuck with something but you could not help it. You had to face it, tougher, better. I thought I was tough, but now I think I am not. And I felt nobody was there - even my hubby. Oh well, please do not misunderstand, I am not intending to tell you how bad my hubby treated me, no. I am not blaming the condition of my business as a mother who has to look after a busy baby like Vinn as well. It's just... me.

I had been quite stressful lately. Few weeks ago, our church held a week of family (pekan keluarga). This event was opened with a play by Imaji theater, in which I actively involved sometimes as a script provider and a player. This time, I got a chance to play on stage for it. As a matter of fact, I knew already the consequence of it. There would be exhausting days to rehearsal and it would not be easy at all for me. Sometimes I was forced to leave Vinn at home to go to the rehearsal which made me not really focus on the rehearsal. And the bad effect was that after playing my part, I asked Erwin to come home immediately. One day, one of the players had her birthday. My friends planned to give a little surprise for her. They bought a cake and candles for each one of us. The surprise would be taken place right after the rehearsal, which meant around 10.30 pm. I decided not to join them because I just wanted to come home as soon as possible to make sure that Vinn was fine and I thought I was not really close with the birthday girl. Erwin, on the other hand, actually wanted to stay for several minutes to join to give the surprise for her. He was quite upset on the way home. He said, I was changed. I no longer cared with my friends, because he thought I used to be the one who loved those kinds of occasions. I was mad when he said that at the time. I was tired, I was worried of Vinn and I wanted to come home, what's wrong of that? But then, at home, after Vinn was asleep and I was no longer under pressure, I was thinking about what Erwin said about me - that I had been changed into a indifferent creature after all. Maybe he was right. Maybe I had been changed. And I had to confess that the news made me feel worse about myself.

A few weeks later, my maid gave me another problem. She asked to resign and would not come back after lebaran. I actually liked this girl. She was diligent, helpful and patient. She was also never being impolite or something. Yet, she did not really enjoy looking after a baby. So, she was back to her hometown and lived with her parents again and did not mind looking after their cow. Sigh.... I asked her to come back, but she had made her decision. Then, I asked my mother-in-law (MIL)'s maid to come back with someone from her hometown who is willing to work for me looking after Vinn during my working hours. I was too afraid not to get a new maid after all. And I hated to be afraid of not-getting-a-new-maid-would-be-a-big-deal-for-me. I do not want to be dependent with a maid in looking after my baby, but I indeed need one.

Then, during the lebaran holiday (my hubby got eight-days-off and I a week-off), I was again stuck at home doing the houseworks and looking after my baby who's got cold for a few days. This was the first time for both of us (me and my baby) to struggle together dealing with his sickness. Vinn's got fever in two days, and in the following day, he started to cough and sneeze, which led me to force him swallowing a bitter powder to recover his cold and a tasteless syrup to reduce his cough. Somehow I was tired and wanted to give up, but thank goodness, I was keeping on it. Vinn was getting better as well and today his health had already recovered.

At work, I have been grappling with this month's career article which has to be finished by next Monday. I never thought that writing an article after doing the interview will be this desperate. I usually write a short-story or a journal, but this.... has made me burnt out after all. I mean, four paragraphs only in four days? I must be crazy....

At home, I could not avoid another problems. It seems like problems never stop to chase me out.

However, in the tough weeks, nearly at the end of my serious fatigue, last Monday my boss (I work in the same room with my boss) played the same song over and over. The title of the song is 'Kaulah harapan' (You are the hope). Here is the refrain:

Kupandang wajahMu dan berseru, pertolonganku datang dariMu
(I look at Your face and cry out, the help comes from You)
Peganglah tanganku, jangan lepaskan, Kaulah harapan dalam hidupku
(Hold my hand, never let me go, You are the hope in my life)

I have brought the tune of the song to home and unintentionally hummed that song over and over again. On the following day I was asked to lead a staff fellowship last Tuesday. The topic was taken from the book of 'The Purpose of Driven Life' by Rick Warren, which was called: Developing Your Friendship with God. For you who have finished this book, please do not laugh at me because yes, I haven't finished this book. And you know what, by reading the chapter of it, I knew why I was nearly fatally burnt out. I did not develop my friendship with God, actually I even did not try to reach Him every time I should need Him. The reading told me that I have a privilege to be God's friend and more than that, a friend who can actually complain, be angry, accuse or even grumble to Him. I did not take the privilege. I have lost the passion of having relationship with Him. That explained of me being stressful lately - like having no tomorrow nor better day either. Besides, on the very same day, I read the Daily Bread in and the title of the day was 'Teruslah Tertawa' (Keep on Laughing). Underneath, there was a quote: SUKACITA DATANG DARI TUHAN YANG HIDUP DALAM DIRI KITA BUKAN DARI SESUATU YANG TERJADI DI SEKITAR KITA (Happiness comes from God who lives in us, not from things that happen around us). It was like being slapped. I was desperately burnt out because every single thing that happened around me and my worst mistake has been that I DID NOT ASK GOD TO HELP ME THROUGH THESE PROBLEMS!! As though it was not enough to help me out through my problems, God gave another passage to comfort me. Today's passage was taken from Psalm 42 and I would like to highlight verse 11: Why are you cast down, O my soul? And why are you disquieted within me? Hope in God; For I shall yet praise Him, The help of my countenance and my God.

Yes, for me the whole problems which had chased me out are a matter of hope. I no longer have full hope in Him. All I do lately is worried, worried, worried and worried. It was like I did not trust Him to look after us. It was like for weeks I had let the problems overcome me and shielded me from His nurture. Erwin was right. I had changed. I used to happy all the time with all I am and let no problems overcome me longer than one day. Yet, these difficult weeks led me to finally find out how far I have been to Him. I do not like to confess that Jessie is now no longer a happy girl but at least I am more than willing to return to me naturally.

Dear Father, thank You for every single thing You have done to make me realize that I can still come to You, hope of You and trust You to look after me and my beloved people. Amen.

Friday, 26 October 2007
3:10 pm

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